Bluer Than Blue
by mlj102
Summary: This is just a short, one chapter story that I thought of. It is one interpretation of Sara's thoughts surrounding Grissom's sabbatical. Please comment if you feel so inclined. I hope you all enjoy it.


Bluer Than Blue 

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I don't own the song.

Author's Note: This was inspired by the song "Bluer Than Blue" by Michael Johnson. Lyrics in the story are indicated by italics. I recently heard this song again on the radio and thought it would make a great story with Grissom and Sara. So I know it's a little late, being centered around the time of Grissom's sabbatical, but hopefully you'll all still enjoy it!

* * *

Sara didn't know how to respond. How did he expect her to react to news like that? She'd known he'd had something on his mind lately, but she hadn't expected this. It had come from out of left field and she found that she wasn't at all prepared for it. 

She tried to hide her shock, to keep her emotions pushed down inside of her, but it was a battle she was losing. She'd never been good at hiding her feelings when Grissom was around and this time was no different. And so, rather than casually brushing it aside and moving on, like she would be able to do with anyone else, she instead simply continued to stand firmly rooted in the same spot she'd been standing in for the last five minutes. While she knew he was waiting for some response from her, words escaped her and she was at a loss for what to say.

He stood across from her, looking at her intently, searching her face for any hint that would help to indicate what she was thinking. Apparently he was unable to come to any conclusion based on her facial expression, as a moment later he hesitantly spoke up, gently testing the waters. "Sara? What are you thinking?"

Another moment passed and still she was unable to think of any adequate response. Again he spoke. "Please, say something." She could hear the vulnerability in his voice and knew he was concerned for how she was taking the news.

Finally, throwing up her hands, she managed to find her voice. "I don't know what to say." She said, a hint of exasperation creeping into her words. She wasn't necessarily frustrated with him but more with the fact that she had been utterly blindsided by it all. "I honestly didn't see this coming." She admitted.

He looked concerned and quickly spoke up in attempt to assure her. "It's just a short sabbatical. It's simply a good opportunity that will allow me to get away from things for awhile – to clear my head."

She could tell from the way he spoke that he was desperately wanting her to understand. But her head was still spinning from the blow the news had hit her with. "So you're going to leave. Just like that." She asked pointedly, wishing that he'd have given her more warning that this was coming, some sort of indication of what he'd been feeling.

He narrowed his eyes and stood up straighter. Right away she knew that he didn't understand what it was that made it so difficult for her to accept. While they had come a long way in their relationship, this was something they still struggled with. She didn't know why they had such a hard time getting on the same page with things that dealt with their feelings for each other colliding with life events. She knew they both meant well, yet somehow they just didn't seem to think the same in matters like this and it caused confusion. But they were getting better at knowing how to handle it when times like this did come up. That was progress.

He reached out and grabbed her hand, gently pulling her so that they resumed their walk towards the car. "Yes." He said quietly in response. "But just like that I'll be back."

His voice carried with it a note of finality and she knew there would be no further discussion about it. They reached the car and he opened the door for her. She knew from experience that there was nothing more that he felt needed to be said. He'd informed her of his plans and, as far as he was concerned, that's all there was to it. They could move on and once again life was good. She got in the car and put on her best face. She didn't want to make a big deal out of it. She knew he wouldn't fully understand and she wanted to be able to support him. But even as she smiled reassuringly at him, inside, her heart was breaking.

* * *

That had been a week ago. The time since then had passed quickly and as typically as any other week as they both avoided the topic of his sabbatical. Yet as Sara took in the silence of the apartment around her, she realized how empty it was without him. He'd left just the night before and his departure had brought back those feelings, allowing them to resurface. 

Sighing heavily, she sank down into one of the big stuffed chairs in the living room. Her gloomy thoughts seemed to be reflected by the rain that was gently falling outside. Indignant anger began to rise within her as she snuggled deeper into the warmth of the cushions, pulling her legs up tight to her. The fact that he'd left without even consulting her in the matter had been eating at her ever since he'd informed her of his decision. It was one thing if he wanted to get away for awhile. It was quite another that he did so without even the slightest thought of her opinion. Did it never cross his mind to seek her input? She'd thought they'd moved beyond that. If this had happened two years ago it would make sense – in the senseless Grissom sort of way. But now? They had come to an understanding of sorts. They typically discussed their thoughts and impressions in great length. Yes, they struggled when it directly involved each other, but she had felt they could still communicate those feelings. It was strange that he had kept this from her. Not just the trip, but the whole fact that he felt he needed to get away from work. Not that she couldn't understand that, it just seemed unprecedented. It hurt.

_After you go  
I can catch up on my reading  
After you go  
I'll have a lot more time for sleeping  
And when you're gone it looks like things  
Are gonna be a lot easier  
Life will be a breeze, you know  
I really should be glad_

She clenched her jaw in determined resolution. If leaving to teach a seminar on the other side of the country was what he felt he needed, then fine. She wasn't going to allow herself to be a pathetic, lovesick puppy, moping around pitifully the entire four weeks. She would manage just fine while he was away. If nothing else, life would certainly be a great deal less complicated. Her mind started to fill up with thoughts of all the things she'd finally be able to do without having him around taking up all of her time. She perked up a bit as she contemplated the many possibilities. There were so many things that she'd been postponing, things she simply hadn't had time to do since she'd gotten involved with him. Without him around, she could stay late at work without feeling obligated to coordinate around his schedule. She would finally be able to reorganize the kitchen cupboards like she'd been meaning to do for so long. She could even indulge in reading her collection of forensics magazines that had built up over the months.

_But I'm bluer than blue  
Sadder than sad  
You're the only light  
This empty room has ever had  
Life without you is gonna be  
Bluer than blue_

But even as she the thoughts flew past her mind, she knew there was more to it than just that. Who was she kidding? The whole truth to it was that she valued the time she spent with him above all else. There was nothing she'd rather be doing. As angry and hurt and confused as she was at him for leaving the way he did, she was equally, if not more so, aching in his absence. She couldn't just go on living life like all was great and happy, because she was empty without him. She'd become accustomed to having him around. He had become her anchor and she relied heavily on his steady influence. She cherished their discussions, treasured the simple moments they shared together. Now that it was gone, she was all too aware of how much she'd come to simply expect those things to be a regular part of her day.

She didn't understand his actions, didn't know why he had been so one sided in it all. But when it came right down to it, she ultimately just wanted him to be happy. And she would do whatever was necessary in order to help him be happy. Her heart grew heavy as another thought passed over her. What if being away from her made him happy? The thought struck her hard in full force and she felt the unwelcome tears fill up in her eyes.

No, she wasn't some insecure, lovesick drama queen. She would adapt to his absence and manage to go through each day well enough. But through it all she would be missing an essential part of her. She would be strong during the time he was away, but for tonight she would allow herself to acknowledge her fears. Tonight she would give way to the emotions she kept so tightly hidden inside of her. Tonight she would cry.


End file.
